Step Right Up! Get Your Original (Punny & Puny) Jokes Right Here!

*****

I have a book of alphabetized words and phrases that have to do with getting even. You know—"just deserts," "karma," "machiavellian," "nemesis," "ostracism," "payback." It's called a vindictionary.

*****

Q: How can you tell if a homeless person is a hoarder? 

A: They have two shopping carts.

*****

2017 starts off swell

Four pieces off to new homes!

Off to Boise

Off to Hudson, MA

Off to Chicago, IL

  

I’m thrilled because I just found out I could retrieve all of the MySpace blogs that were deleted with no notice when the social-media site, in its death throes, did that major overhaul

Because I thought again of a blog I wrote on MySpace and again wistfully bemoaned its loss. Then I tried once more to google “lost Myspace blogs” and found out they were recoverable.

I feel like I got a part of my life back, an important part, because a lot of those blogs I wrote in the months after I met Mike. Like this one I wrote when he had left Pawleys Island and I was still there, missing him. Note my use of the subject “mooning,” years before we had a Moon of our own:

Subject: mooning
Date created 6/3/2007 6:09:00 PM
Posted date 6/3/2007 6:07:00 PM
Body:

Sleeping close to the waves breaking on the shore. The surf like steel brushes. The tidal sway. I'm remembering your skin against mine, under my hands. The sea oats bend, shadows hatchmarked on the sand, curtains lofted by the wind.

Pawleys Island, front room, surf, new love

Star Herder

The expression on this pup is so intelligent and happy, I just love it.

STAR HERDER

The dog came on the end of a spoon, maybe meant as a souvenir or as an award for a champion at a sheep-dog trial. I gave her a more fitting tail—one that wags a bit—of vintage aluminum and antique coral beads. I couldn’t bring myself to drill holes in those ears, so I backed her with two stars hand cut from a vintage tin container from Hong Kong that held ming kung cake…and, later, cereal, apparently.

Buy my stuff here.

towers in a locket

This lovely gold-filled locket came from an antique store in Aurora, Oregon...such a nice locket. I cleaned it, then wanted to fill it. I thought of the embossed stocknagel* I got from a store in Latvia. So I cut two ovals from two stocknagel--one of Kotnov Tower in Tábor, Czech Repubic, and one of the Mariatrost Basilica in Austria--to fit the locket's two sides. I shaped them to give them a slight dome, backed them with two cut-to-fit pieces of thin brass and put them behind the metal picture frames. The chain is composed of an antique gold-filled watch chain and a gold-filled necklace chain section. I found a cool antique spring clasp to close the necklace. See part of the process in the pics below.

*Stocknagel are small plaques made of brass or sheet metal that would be attached to a walking stick with a few small nails. Collected as souvenirs, the custom began as a European alpine tradition in which the medallions covering the walking stick served as documentation and commemoration of a hiker's travels.

allotment of aluminum

On the epic road trip of the summer of 2014, up the PCH to Canada, across the Cascades, and down through Montana, we stopped at some great antique stores, and my eye was drawn to aluminum containers—a pill box, bobby pin safe, glasses case. The embossed letters, figures, and flowers looked amazing, and I loved the color of the metal. Today I cut up the beat-up glasses case, and I filed, and filed, and filed (Note: Must obtain better files) till my fingers went numb, and then I had a pretty piece.

Mittelstand

A question on Quora asks, "What does Germany do right?" Apparently, a lot. One example is the high quality of German products and the excellent service provided by the makers of those products. Case in point: A watch purchased in Germany in 1937 is taken back to the shop for repair around 1980, and they fix it "under warranty."

Businesses that hold reputability and reliability in such high regard are called Mittelstand, "small and medium-sized enterprises in German-speaking countries," many of which "focus on innovative and high-value manufactured products." 

We here at Millennium General Assembly (and by "we" I mean "I") recognize aspects of my own business plan (and by "business plan" I mean "general policies") in these tenets. I use mostly old, antique and vintage, parts to make my stuff, but I strive to make it as lasting and strong as possible, and I offer free adjustments and repairs for the life of the jewelry.

And now I want to go buy German appliances.

My stuff, you can buy here.

NaPoWriMo time

I just found out it's National Poem Writing Month! That's long for NaPoWriMo, which I'd never heard about, though I know about NaNoWriMo, the month of writing a novel, which happens in November (which, I realize, is the date of my last blog entry, around the time I also wasn't writing a novel), which I've participated in several times, unsuccessfully, though I do have a T-shirt commemorating one year. I thought, Well, this is far superior! Here, I have 30 days to attempt 30 poems, and even if I only manage to write one poem, I'll at least have the satisfaction of having finished one thing instead of nothing. Since today is April 16, I've clearly not succeeded at half the poems so far, but I took the prompt for the day from this year's day 16, "write a ten-line poem in which each line is a lie," and wrote a poem. Here you go:

This Poem Doesn't Know How to Tell a Lie

Of course it's Tuesday.

except when it's Tuesday—

then, it's any other day of the week.

This Tuesday, like any another Tuesday,
will be followed by a succession of Tuesdays, 
succeeded only by chance with a Wednesday.

And Wednesday's child is full of woe,

not bones and blood and guts and good intentions, 
rather, empty of all that is not woe. 
Woe, and also, contradictions.
She was up to her eyeballs in those.

Woe was also a cockatiel she knew
who belied his name by acting chipper.

Child of woe met bird of cheer and thought, 
Just once, can this be a bird who won't bite?

Of course Woe did.

Love Token Necklaces

If you're searching for a nice gift, I'll be listing quite a few love token necklace in my Etsy shop in November. From the early 1800s to the early 1900s, tokens made from coins were given to loved ones by suitors, friends and family. One side (sometimes both sides) of the coin were smoothed down and engraved with initials, names, phrases and/or scenes. The Seated Liberty dime from the 1850s–1880s was frequently used, but tokens are known on all U.S. denominations, as well as on many world coin denominations. 

Here's an older picture of some of the tokens my collection, a few of which have already sold. If you're interested in a particular token or necklace in one of the pics, please shoot me an email.

Soon to be listed love token necklaces.

Love tokens available for swapping out.

eggsplosion

I tried to make perfect hardboiled eggs today. I craved them deviled.

I failed to make perfect hardboiled eggs.

In fact, they were the most imperfectly boiled eggs I've ever accomplished.

After their ice bath, I peeled them and, for want of a better phrase, gave them a "squeeze feel." They felt gooshy, not hard, medium boiled at best. So I put them in a glass bowl with no cover and nuked them another minute or so.

While I was waiting for the microwave's ping, I pushed the shells down the disposal and turned it on. It seemed unbalanced and knocky, and I wondered if it were possible for an unbalanced disposal to fly off the pipes, which prompted me to imagine in great detail what would occur should that happen.

I pictured metal bits flying through the cabinet doors under the sink, with shards ripping into my knees and shins, which led me bleakly to pressure cookers and shrapnel and all the images and aftermath of the bombs at the finish line of the Boston Marathon.

As I was thinking these things, I took the eggs out of the microwave and dumped them on a paper towel--and one of them exploded, hurling the yolk into my stomach. I shrieked, and then started laughing hysterically. Hysterically.

I looked for an exploding egg image online that would do the
incident justice. I couldn't find one, so I drew this. And now I
see that I somehow managed to give it balls. 

persons

If your name was I, and you wrote a blog about something you'd done that day, you would be writing in first person and third person: "I wrote a blog about what I did today."

If your name was You, and you wrote a blog about something you'd done that day, you would be writing in second person and third person: "You wrote a blog about what you did today."

If your name was We, and you wrote a blog about something you'd done that day, you would be writing in first person and third person: "We wrote a blog about what we did today."

All you want to know about person and form and case: go.

You can't blog, dog.

dreadlocks for Elloree

I just came back from an estate sale half a block from my house. I scored a 200-year-old money bracelet from Ghana with a bunch of other costume jewelry for $20. I researched the bracelet when I got home and found others like it worth $700! But my favorite find was a collection of accordian-folded garlands. The woman in charge of the sale was going to throw them away and let me have them free. The lady who had lived there had made the garlands to cover her windows. She had lined the varying lengths of folded paper on hangers, arrayed along a curtain rod. I used to see her at her mailbox when I'd walk by with my dog, and she always said, "What a handsome dog." I can picture her folding strips of paper from magazines to make the garlands. I think they'll make excellent party decorations. In the meantime, I've hung them on Elloree's antlers.

like a stag in a paper shop

Call me Wallace.

You know when you're sitting around with a person or people and one of you laughs so forcefully you audibly fart? I find that hilarious. I can't keep from laughing. So the other day, Mike and I are sitting around, and this subject comes up, and I say, "Farts are never not funny...at any time...in any language." Then I say, "Oh my god, I have to make a site that translates fart into every language." Mike says, "There's probably one already. Remember baconwater? Remember Pornterest?" And of course there's already a site. Or an app. If you have a eureka moment, as sure as dogs love baconwater, someone has already not only had the same idea but has also implemented it. There will always be a Darwin to your Wallace.

You're never too evolved..

a little coverage goes a long way

Heartfelt thanks to Porthole Cruise Magazine for the wonderful write-up of Millennium General Assembly in its "Savvy Cruiser" department for the February 2013 issue.

My gratitude goes out to managing editor Emma Trelles, art director Laura Roche, and the rest of the editorial staff. If this sounds like an acceptance speech, I guess it sort of is. I gratefully accept this boost, this nod, this affirmation. Media exposure is vital to small businesses like mine trying to get a foothold in a burgeoning field. Now I can add "As seen in Porthole Cruise Magazine" to my press kit.

 

Here's the text:

Fashion Forward
Millennium General Assembly handcrafts its jewelry from vintage and curious baubles, and each one-of-a-kind piece flashes a days-gone-by glamour. Necklaces and bracelets are constructed with Victorian keys and lockets, Old World watch fobs, and antique silver spoons and brooches, to name just a few of the eclectic elements carefully selected and transformed by the company's founder and chief craftswoman Maidel Margulies. In fact, most of the materials used by MGA are repurposed or "revived," which means you can be socially conscious and fashionista-like, all at once. millenniumgeneralassembly.com

YOU CAN BUY MY STUFF ON ETSY

closer to fine

little bit of bokeh, eh?

I just made this more-delicate-than-is-usual-for-me necklace from an antique watch chain and vintage brass rosary chain and a tiny pin I got in Hardy, Arkansas, made of brass and celluloid. The pin was costume jewelry in its day but is closer to fine today.

And here I will confess that I used to perform this song by the Indigo Girls when I lived in the Florida Keys. It was the end of the '80s, and I'm a sucker for a nice melody and decent lyrics, so I was playing Edie Brickell and Suzanne Vega and Emmylou Harris, and if she'd made her break by then, I would have been playing Sheryl Crow, but that would have to wait till the '90s. Before Vega's "Luka" was a hit single, I'd said, "Damn, this song should be a hit single, but it's too dark."

*****

"Closer to Fine" --Amy Elizabeth Ray, Emily Ann Saliers

I'm trying to tell you something about my life

Maybe give me insight between black and white

The best thing you've ever done for me

Is to help me take my life less seriously, it's only life after all

Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable

And lightness has a call that's hard to hear

I wrap my fear around me like a blanket

I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it, I'm crawling on your shore. 

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains

I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain

There's more than one answer to these questions

Pointing me in crooked line

The less I seek my source for some definitive

The closer I am to fine. 

I went to see the doctor of philosophy

With a poster of Rasputin and a beard down to his knee

He never did marry or see a B-grade movie

He graded my performance, he said he could see through me

I spent four years prostrate to the higher mind, got my paper

And I was free. 

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains

I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain

There's more than one answer to these questions

Pointing me in crooked line

The less I seek my source for some definitive

The closer I am to fine. 

I stopped by the bar at 3 a.m.

To seek solace in a bottle or possibly a friend

I woke up with a headache like my head against a board

Twice as cloudy as I'd been the night before

I went in seeking clarity. 

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains

I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain

There's more than one answer to these questions

Pointing me in crooked line

The less I seek my source for some definitive

The closer I am to fine. 

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains

I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain

There's more than one answer to these questions

Pointing me in crooked line

The less I seek my source for some definitive

The closer I am to fine. 

We go to the bible, we go through the workout

We read up on revival and we stand up for the lookout

There's more than one answer to these questions

Pointing me in a crooked line

The less I seek my source for some definitive

The closer I am to fine

The closer I am to fine

The closer I am to fine

You can buy this necklace soon,
as well as other pieces, in my Etsy shop.

the little unnecessities of life are not inconsequential

This past weekend, I flew to Kansas to attend a cousin's wedding. I hadn't seen most of my Kansas cousins--my dad's twin brothers, their wives and kids--for 30 years. Why? There's really no good reason, and now I wish I'd visited more. My family lived in Tennessee and took driving vacations each summer, spending a week or so in Kansas, and at least once, our Kansas relatives visited us in Tennessee.

I don't know if it's because time moves so slowly when you're a kid, or if it was just the experiences we shared over so many summers together, but Kansas and summers spent with my cousins comprise a profound and beloved part of my childhood. It was great to go back and see them all. Before the wedding, some of us took in a musical and stayed in a Victorian B&B in Abilene. There were vintage hats in the Victorian parlor. We went antiquing the next day. I found a few things.

pince nez specs with a hairpin...for years, I thought it was "prince" nez

YOU CAN BUY MY STUFF ON ETSY

HelloGiggles: Item of the Day

Alessandra Rizzotti just wrote up Millennium General Assembly for HelloGiggles.com. I am psyched!

Player for a player

I bought these plaques for not very much money, maybe ten bucks. I thought I might use them in an assemblage one day; I didn't know how. I just loved the graphics.

At first I thought these plaques were from a metronome but the text* on
the piece from the upper left reveals them to be from a player piano.

Since then, I started cutting up tin and making pieces with it. Now there are tin snips and files and shears at hand. And when I started making a necklace for a friend who's a stellar guitarist, Jane Getter, searching through my cabinets for pieces to assemble, I came across the player-piano plaques and realized I could actually make a necklace from them.

Largo,  slowest<--------------> fastest, Presto

The thick brass was harder to cut than tin (thinner steel) but I managed with my new German shears. I filed off the sharp edges and shaped the treble clef. 

The volume control was already banner-shaped, but the brass was thinner,
so I cut a piece of vintage tin to back it with and riveted the pieces together.

I think it turned out great. Now where do I find more player-piano plaques?

*Standard Artist-Record Action is specially constructed to play any make of reproducing or regular music roll with transposer lever at normal.

YOU CAN BUY MY STUFF ON ETSY

work in progress...on a plate

sea horses cut from a very old tin and a riveted combo of vintage tin pieces

fairly ready

Renegade tent setup dry run. The real deal happens in three days...and also four days; it's a two-day event.